Me vs the Soccer Moms
Magnum Opus
Little League Soccer Moms
The most shameful moment of my coaching career
I actually yelled at one of the YMCA soccer teams I was coaching
It wasn't about winning or losing
It was this nonchalant feeling
That was taking hold
In half the kids
And most of the parents
It started with one kid
He had been undermining me
He was chiseling at me during practice
He was a very good friend of my son
He was interrupting me incessantly
Trying to get the rest of the team
To skip soccer and do parkour
This kid was not focused at all
What's worse his mom
Was quickly becoming
Besties w my exwife
All of them were trying to take on
This lazy San Diego beach culture
Like nothing matters & nothing should
This "open toe" culture is all around San Diego and Southern California
It's not something that I vibe with at all
It feels like such a waste of time
That is not how I roll
It can be that way at other times
We only have an hour a week
There's a lot to think about
It's not that I'm about winning and losing
To me it's definitely about utilizing
The present moment for benefit
That day was a very unfortunate event
I was mislabeled as an overbearing dad
Really there was a lot of tension with my exwife
Also I knew I would have to be moving in the future
I remember the shame in sending an email to my boss
Here I am a volunteer dad who's been asked to take over the team
I had several successful seasons under my belt - both culturally and athletically
We were doing great and my son is having a blast - we were having so much fun
That year for his birthday party we invited the whole team to go to Chuck E Cheese
We were proud that every single soccer team member attended the birthday party
Imagine the joy of having your whole soccer team come to a pizza birthday party
Still, all around and during those times
My exwife was creating a lot of unnecessary pressure
Part of it was by being late and generally surly and disorganized
Naturally she'd say that I was the one causing all the marital problems
It turned into the energy of disappointment from our marriage falling apart
I can't believe I yelled at those kids - it obviously had nothing to do with them
I was mad at my exwife and all the lame moms who couldn't be bothered
To help their own kids too - To get on board with with the team growth
The parents were so disconnected
Many of them were quite poor as athletic examples
This is what we learn as the coach in the pressure of modern day
The parents are treating the activity like coaches are a rented babysitter
Their nonchalance is not surprising looking back - but it bothered me that day
Parents thought I was there to do it all - Turns out coaches coach the parents too
Just look at dog training school they train the trainers more than they train the dogs
The slow children fail because they don't get consistent training in their practice
They were not getting motivation or encouragement or positive reinforcement
Often it was blithe neglect masked as unspecific superficial encouragement
Always that lame lazy "I can't be bothered" SoCal self-centered grip
I just wasn't raised like that and I don't actually groove in that way
It's kind of like the tension between Southerners and Yankees
It didn't take very long to determine
Which kids already have sports
Somewhere in their family
Sport families get it
Some families were more..
Into vanity which is not a team sport
Other kids definitely had parents and siblings
Who could teach them how to pass a soccer ball
Those are the families who carried our team to victory
Not victory just.. competence
Those are mainly the kids who
Can complete a basic soccer pass
A shocking number of moms had absolutely no concern
For the development or improvement of their own children
They saw the activity as a combination of babysitting for the kids
And social coffee picnic hour for themselves and their fabulous yoga gear
Then also there is the gang of unconcerned, overweight, self-centered, neglecting parents
They were the ones that bothered me so much I would actually lose sleep at night
It wasn't the first time I'd seen these people in San Diego
But it was the first time
We were intertwined with results
Right there at the good old YMCA
I didn't ask for that job but I did it faithfully and dutifully
It became a wonderful cornerstone with my son
We enjoyed it almost all of the time
My son became a coach too
How do we help a kid
Who is not getting primary help
From within their own direct family?
The question haunted me
It bothered me and became
Something I was aware of everywhere I go
In the grocery store
I saw adults appeasing their children's whiny habits
While shopping for food and standing in checkout lines
In gas stations I saw parents
Fold to their children's unreasonable demands
And buy all the wrong things for the wrong reasons
At the laundromat
I saw children dropping their parents phones
Eating straight sugar, and drinking carbonated soda
With complete impunity and no immediate consequences
I recently saw a child ram the laundry cart into several of the machines
The mom just had too many children and not enough hands or time
These children that I was witnessing all around town
Not those exact children - but others just like them
This is who was on my soccer team - what a mess
This team of participation medals
Was somehow expecting to excel
At YMCA little-league soccer
It was surprising for me
To see the general
State of things
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My objectives and battle lines were drawn
Success these days - does not come about - as some accidental phenomena
The basic equation - for athletic performance - is basic yet made complicated
Athletic success is about "throughput" - it doesn't matter that it's difficult
To be a successful long-term athlete, you will have to already have
The right physicality - a type of eating, stretching & rest habits
If you don't have those habits
You will not be able to continue
Not because I have proclaimed it as so
But because sports and coordination are hard
It takes time to develop these habits - not an hour - it takes years
It's not about winning - it's about doing - there is no try
Bad habits can continue for a while
Then one day there is a problem
I don't know what the problem is
I do know it is coming
It might be the fact
That you're "not having fun"
What does that really mean?
It might be the fact
That you are exhausted, underfed or semi-injured
It might be the idea that sports and conditioning take too long
You just might not be getting the results that you were looking for at that time
All of that can add up to the idea that you feel like you're not good at the sport
I'm here to say that any problem can be parlayed into athletic talent
Sports talent is not something we are born with
It might seem that way but it's not that way
Effective coaching is about getting beyond all of those moments
When something hurts - is not fun - is taking too much time
When we are embarrassed by self-perceived lack of skill
Suddenly from this viewpoint
The chubby chatty soccer Sallies
Were not the problem but the opportunity
Their children however
Still had a huge problem
One that I could never fix
The problem was that the weak parents
Were not doing any focused activity
Outside of team practice
Dogs are not kids but coaching parents and coaching dog handlers is similar
The problem is not with the kid - it's not with the dog - they all do their part
The problem is that the kid or the dog will revert back to the parent
There were so many times I went outside with my son when he was young
When we went outside we didn't just stand there - we brought something
Whatever we brought - we did something with it - something new
The point is - I took him outside - we did a number of activities
That might involve throwing pinecones or catching a frisbee
With my son - we did a number - of spontaneous activities
In doing so, I helped him form, "visualization and tracking"
These are unrecognized, under-prioritized skills
For early youth sports or sports at any age
Throw a ball to a kid - what happens next?
Watch the kid try to catch a flying object from short range - this is visual tracking
Tracking is the process of visually seeing an item - "arc" from origin to destination
There are physics involved with that - those properties have to be learned!
As adults - we already know, "what goes up must come down"
As kids we don't even see across a room until after age 1
Tracking is not a thing that just happens - It requires practice and reinforcement
What I'm saying is that it takes longer to learn those arcing/timing patterns
In the beginning, throwing is easy however accurate throwing is not easy
Catching however, is at least 100x more difficult than throwing
It starts with tracking - it continues with coordination problems
Tracking is the sense of watching a ball come to you
Timing your hands for the catch is an additional skill
When kids can't catch a ball - they can be so mad
It can seems like the whole world will explode!
It doesn't feel fun - it feels like the ball's fault
If you haven't see a kid's frustration lately it might surprise you
It feels like it's the coach's fault - it feels like it's the world's fault
These are things that as parents - we greatly need to help our kids
These things take way more time than coach has at practice
These things take way more support and love than the coach can give
When I say the coach needs the family to help - I'm serious as a heart attack
The anger, the fury, the rage, the self-confidence
That comes about by not being able to catch a ball
It's just something lightly tossed from just a few feet away
This tiny yet insurmountable task and feat
Is one way a kid can be turned off to sports altogether
A kid can get to thinking that they are "not a good athlete"
A mental calculation to that effect can happen early and never be questioned again
Parents are thinking everything is coach's job but let's be real - it's the kid's life okay?
What a mistake it would be for the parent to outsource all of that
What a heartbreaking inability to overcome just one minor hurdle
Learning to catch a ball does not happen simply in a day, or overnight
In most cases with a healthy kid - it has nothing to do with genetic predisposition
What angered me as a coach was seeing parents fail to take responsibility for small things
My son is an outstanding athlete
Still I'm here to say that 'catching a ball'
Took him over 8 months and many meltdowns
We proceeded with patience, acceptance and many repetitions
A kid can't generate their own expectations for that
The kid needs needs parental faith
He still needed hugs and confidence
That faith doesn't come from dropping off Johnny at the YMCA once a week
It doesn't magically come from the coach who has a whole team
It's from working these exact activities many times in the home
We used many regular activities - especially the single sock
The sock has a very unusual flight path
That unsuspected path makes it challenging to catch
It creates the necessity of keeping your eye on the target
The target floats around like a knuckleball pitch or skulled golf shot
I gave my son copious amounts of practice in rudimentary activities
I lightly tossed him items with different flight characteristics
Things such as a ball of socks, single sock or balloon
It is important to use them all - needed for tracking
He was later tossing a suction cup dart at my eye
I distinctly remember my son
Feverishly reaching out his arms
Turning his head and closing his eyes
"Please PLEASE be a catch!!"
As he waited to find out
Where the item lands
As his father - I attempted to toss the item
Directly into his blind and prayerful basket
It wasn't about challenging him
It's because I knew at the time
Success breeds engagement
The more instances his accidental catch worked in his favor
The better his confidence - the more engaged he was with the activity
As a parent I'm not just going to trust that and leave it with a little league coach
Confidence comes from success
Success comes from that sense of personally winning
It comes from an internal calculation of believing you can do it
Your kid needs these skills as soon as they can be developed - get on it!
Can you do it? You'll need proof at the beginning - How does that begin?
The gaggle of soccer moms mostly could not be bothered with any of that
These are not difficult concepts yet for a person who's not thinking about it..
These concepts were only a bunch of words - seems like an unwanted lesson
I find this non-participation to be shameful but really they just don't know
Here's the deal - late at night - my kid, their kids
All kids long for those skills that other kids do attain
The skills are gotten through practice during times
The same times their parents are chatting idly
It's not that there is no extra time
It's that the time that is available
Is not being properly utilized
For the benefit of the kids
That is why I think the parents were being selfish
Really it starts with not knowing what to do
Or why small things are so important
A lot of adults will never become
A sports coach on any level
That is incredibly sad to me
Somehow we've all got to get these parents
Into the idea that they can help too
It needs to feel worth their time
I'm not suggesting that the parents take the position of the coach
That would not be possible as it is a very specialized skill set
Despite the low pay package, coaches excel in advisement
Coaches are good at what is called, "The Teachable Moment"
That magic moment doesn't exist at all times of the day
It comes about in some other way
Coaches seize upon the lucky magic teachable moment
This way the good advice doesn't turn into nagging
Advice must be something that can be digested
The parents who don't sport well
Clearly were not trained themselves
It's got to start somewhere - It's got to be specific
This is what coaching genius is - this is why coaches are sly
I'm a great, wise, very seasoned and effective coach
This is why it's so ridiculous that I would break form
This is why it was such an unlikely moment for me
There was no reason for me to yell at the team
What frustrated me - was parents not helping
Some activities resemble other activities. Find them!
Early sports is not about sports at all but basic physical activity
Find things that resemble other things - catching a sock is like catching a football
With 20 years of searching for innovative training techniques
Across high performance participation of many different sports
I've realized isolating single skills is something I can do more of
Looking at me, and my mindset
You could not mistake me
For a soccer socialite
I look like the type of coach-person who wants to be all-business
Still - the term, "all-business" doesn't properly describe me
There is a time for activity and a time for rest
I'm not a tiger-mom at heart
By that I mean that I'm not a person
Who is attempting to push or advance
My kid onto the accelerated path
I'm not in a rush at all
I do however want to use the limited time we have
To the end of acquiring high value upgrades
Wasting time makes me disappointed
Because the needs are so great
And the payoff is so wonderful
I myself began in an accelerated academic path
On the fast path to school - the rules were simple
"Take as much time as you need and we will help you"
It wasn't like a race to the finish - it was a race to mastery
In that sense, I never advanced into anything I hadn't learned fully
When I mastered whatever I was actually working on
It was at that time that I would be presented
With the next sequential thing
That is exactly how I coach
I'm not in a hurry
I'm just ready
For next
Being a fast student isn't about having a tiger-mom
It's about having something you're working on now
Something else that you'll be working on after that
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It's about staying on the thing - until you have the thing - that's it - that is all
It's not about cutting corners and it's not about being seen
It's not about hanging out with the right people
It's definitely not about game clock time
It's not politically influencing the coach
Do the thing - that you're doing - you'll be great
Attain the thing that you're developing today
Speed is up to you - there is nowhere to be
We can spend as long on this as you wish
I've got all day and unlike that particular day
I'm not known for raising my voice or losing my temper
That one fateful day reminded me of how to do it wrong
It was a shameful moment in an otherwise exemplary career
My kid's buddy was getting my goat and he got it
No kid, the soccer team won't to be doing parkour
Is what I said at first - I should have left it at just that